I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
