She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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