the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
