I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
