can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
