There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
