A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
