fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
