his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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