Already got asked if we're dating
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
