It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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