Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
a search helicopter?!
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
