my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
