it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Who did Billy Mays play for?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It's blow job season.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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