She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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