My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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