so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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