I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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