White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
