everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
