Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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