please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
