and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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