I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
