I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
