I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
