Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Randomize
