Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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