i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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