Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
