Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
What a dumb baby whore.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I use my feet as sexual weapons
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
