I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize