Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
