I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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