You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
