weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
