New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
