I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
