There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
