if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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