i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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