I murdered the dance floor call the cops
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Randomize