I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
