I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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