I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
