I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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