i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize