i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
