Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
