im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
