I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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