I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
