The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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