guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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