In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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