I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize