I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
