If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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