Kiss
Puke
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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