If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
