Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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