he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
